moJIto...

okay so I have discovered that I can only do this whole spill your guts thing on the internet when I have a certain cocktail running through the night.... I have been thinking about a million things that would probably be fun and creative and a little shitty to write about, since it has been over a year since the last post, however for those of you who know me, know that I already spill so much shit out of my mouth everyday - I mean what could I possible have to talk-type about...well you would be surprised.... well before I start - if you are offended easily - you may want to stop reading right now...... because the following will be full of possible vulgarity and inpolitically correct craziness...okay... for those of you who once again know me, and to those people that don't know me at all... and better yet to the ones that think you know... I have a few things that I have been needing to vent... 1 the va, 2 the freakin mid-eastern dude living in the US that cut his wifes head off, 3 my ridiculous attraction to the latin man and probably a few others... number one... the va. It is horrible. I had the worst most depressing disgusting expierence on Monday and will never go back. Besides the whole I freaked the f***ed out on three people there and only felt mildly horrible... well my excuse throught out this post and the rest of my life is that I have something wrong with my genes due to the Sellers bloodline is it... and until some weird scientist wants to prove me wrong... can never ever say different. They were so worried about sending me to mental health to screen me for PTSD - and for those of you who don't know that would be Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - that I never got around to being seen for the reason that I actually went for. I mean come on - like I told them, those poor fools, that even if I did have it, and it was completely reasonable, that I would have had it since I was at least five, and that if I haven't commited a homicide by now - it wasn't going to happen, and their screen wasn't going to do shit to make me or the world a better place. Okay either way... it wasn't there fault that my primary physican told me that I smoke too much, I drink too much, and that I was obese... oh shit... are you serious.. .that was the first person I freaked out on... after that, instead of sending me to the lab to tell them that I wasn't baking something in the tummy - they sent me to mental health to be screened, because when I anwered the questions about how much I drink, the screen turned yellow, and said that wasn't okay... whatever that means... haha, okay, so I go to mental health and tell this lady about how there are two types are people. Both types of people have had shitty traumatic shit happen in their childhood to present day... but the difference between the two is this: one group lets their horrible past dictate the decisions they make in present day with no thought to anything further, and the second group uses their shitty past to propel them forward to make the decisions that will lead to the better future.... ok insert here - I am not part of the first group.... and the people of the first group should all be shot because of they are a waste of our resources that the elderly people should be privy to. (please don't take offense - and if you do - well this is me using amendment #1 - freedom of speech). Okay back to the lady doing the screening... I liked her... very understanding... okay but seriously.. I finished with her telling me she would like me to go and have an additional screening for PTSD... something I already knew, anyway, she sent me to the appointment desk so that he could sign off on my checklist of people that wanted/needed to see me.... skip to the he was sending me to the lab - got there with sadly 20 people in a 5 people capacity waiting room all of which were clearly WWII vets and mostly in wheenchairs... waiting for lab work to be done... please hold your comments here - a black lady with a crazy colored weave comes out of an office, where I politely ask where do I get a number to get in line, she hands me a laminated paper that says "32" - I ask her what number we are on, and she looks at me sourly and says "11." I say okay..... and sit down in chair.... and wait knowing my patience was severely lacking... I give it five minutes... knowing I am going to loose every ounce of everything, and call my mom to vent(this is after I have already spent three hours there.) oh and by the way - the va hours are 9am to 430pm, okay so I get up and go back to the appointment man, where I try to explain to him that because I have already been here for a long time, I don't have the luxury to sit for another three hours for labs... and he tries to convince me that I should just wait... so in the mode of freaking out, I explain to him that because I am a single mother, I can't really sit in the va, that I really need to leave to go to work.... and ask him if I can make an appointment to come back when it is more convinent... he again says I should just sit and wait it out.... I lost a marble there, where I told him that I was sorry, but that I wasn't interested in his anything - give me a damn lab IOU and I will come back. So.... he did, I was almost out of there, but had to go back to where I checked in to check out and get my picture made for a great VA ID. Well... of course I am flustered and pissed when I get there and again I go in and there are fifity people that are 65 years and older waiting for an id, and this is where I truely feel shitty... but a man with a mental handicap was in charge of doing the ids was trying to explain to a women that I was in line to talk to that he was having issues with the machine... and I suppose he saw how shitty I looked... and he started stuttering... and having issues about his issue... I apoligized to him.. and walked out... near to tears, because I was pissed that I was pissed over some retarted expectations I had about being a combat veteran that weren't met, and how truely sad it was. NO ONE cares... no cares about the children effected, no cares about all the marriages ruined, no cares about the physical injuries... no cares about our WWII vets or our OIF/OEF vets... and everyone says yea they support our troops... but they support because it is what soiciety expects... not because they have any true knowledge about what really goes on in the world of the military - stateside or overseas.... so in the end, I went to the va to be seen because I have been wearing a splint on my wrist... why because it hurts. My sister tells me today that I have what appears to be two compressed nerves in my hands/wrist, commonly refered to as carpel tunel and that I would need a cortozone shot and possible most likely surgrey.... yea. Number 2 - the wife and husband that live in upstate new york that created a news station to stop anti muslim craziness.... well he chops her head off and pleads not guilty to 2nd degree murder... WTF... seriously check out CNN, because while I only gather the gist of the details... you can find them there. From my gathering which may be a little throwed off - is that after mulitple domestic violence disturbences... she served him with divorce papers. On the same day he got slapped with a restraining order, and wait for it... then cut her head off. Knowing that someone might read this point makes me a little weary to put how I really feel... but geez are you serious... what in the hell is going on in our great US of A... makes me so sad I could throw up. Something that makes me happy is my headstrong, determined son... who thinks that Jane Goodall is the lady that invented the monkey bars... love it, you have to. What innocence... I suppose if you just breathe, believe... leave the news and politics and all the shitty things out where you wish on stars not satellites... and just breathe...sing....bask in the sunshine, watch bluebirds, plant flowers, take long drives to nowhere... feel the sunshine over the rainbow, maybe the reflection of water in the sun, the feel of grass... thinking about what can possibly be in the palm of your hand, with a smile...and just be. Nothing else compares.

This Is Where I Was...

This girl I met on my extension in Iraq was the most simple breathe of sunshine in my life at that time as well as the most real. I am a real person although when stressed maybe not the most sunshiny. Trying to figure out all these things in my life that don't come with a manual. Being completely honest: I am hard working, loyal, fun, and probably one of the most driven people in my peer group, however....I am harshly honest sometimes, sweetly sarcastic sometimes, impatient, demanding, and absent-minded lots of times and most people when they first meet me think either I am a asshole or weird, but when they get past the exterior... would say that I am funny, crazy, passionate about everything, and a perfectionist.... well depending on the situation and the day, my opinion changes... I have discovered that after being deployed in Iraq for 16 months, that anyone can do anything the want...they just have to want it bad enough. After seperating from my cheating husband, I have also discovered that I need to surround myself with people that have direction, dreams, and drive. With those things everything else falls into place... Probably my life doesn't have the capacity for anything but good people. I would say that I am self-aware that I am broken, and only now starting to heal. What I would call broken, my best friend calls damaged goods....anyway...my son comes first in my life, and he is a new little person everyday, always changing and growing, as am I, and with a two year old....you need patience and understanding.... something of which I am just learning to understand the true meaning of. I once had these instilled ideas that marriage meant a life long commitment to one person, well society has made it acceptable to pay for a divorce easier than some people can pay for a car note. I guess I am rambling...but simple, real, and fun people are what I see in my sight. I have just relocated from Alaska where I was stationed, and found a great new job. I had thought that when everything went not so great with my other half, I would go home to New Orleans, but then I thought after the hurricane, there really isn't anything left for me to go home to, so here I am to stay. Hopefully I can start back to school in the summer, and finish that out...but for now I am taking a break, just trying to get settled in a new place, and find my groove.

Stupid, With Steak and Eggs On The Side

ok, ok, ok....I am sitting here on this beautiful Sunday morning, eating steak & eggs that yes, I cooked, hungover like an asshole....and I know I keep tellin everyone I will post a whole new blog, to kinda give an update on how crazy everything has been, so here it is. The day after I posted the last blog, was Valentine's Day, and the day Silas was supposed to come and get his truck in Dallas. Well I will never forget this years Valentine's Day, because it was the day that we locked in rate for our house, then pulled out on the house, and then that was also the day....that my marriage was completely broken.
So, on my drive from Dallas to Silas's parents house, which was about 9.5 hours, I was on the phone with everyone, not to mention our realtor who was sad because we were pulling out and giving me the great news, that because we pulled out so closed to our closing date, the lady was going to "seek legal action" and sue us....so needless to say, on the drive back, I felt kinda disconnected.....it was fucking stupid....well I wasn't sure what I was going to do so the next day, I called my sister, and I was like I am coming home....well in the end, I went to work on that next Monday, with the full intention of giving them my two week notice. Prolly it didn't work out like I planned, and now I have this two bedroom/two bathroom apartment like 10 minutes from downtown Kansas City....Sebastine is in a daycare that he hates, and I am trying to put back together what is left of me. I have had fun at least spending ever dime that we have been making from the military, making my apartment really cool....but prolly I need more than that.
In my struggle to re-build myself and stablize SB, I just wanna establish myself, so that I can have a life....cause lets face it...prolly I am a little relieved about this situation....and so it isn't stressing my out like it did in Iraq, so prolly I don't have the weight loss thing going on....which means that while I may have the greatest personalitiy, I am still not back down to my pre-baby size....which is just fucking stupid. So, I went out last night with Sirus and some of his friends-and for those of you who doesn't know, Sirus is my brother-in-law....ok so we go out, and I get smashed....but it didn't hit me until like 30 minutes after we got back. I made Silas bring me to my house....so I was sick of course...but I took it like a champ. So, now I am sitting here just thinking about what a mess my life has become....
We were in a bar last night, and they wouldn't give out ash trays so people could smoke, and I was thinking how fucking stupid this country is....we have American Soldiers laying their lives down, so that stupid fuckin hodgies...can blow up people with chlorine bomb trucks, and I can't even smoke in a bar.... because second hand smoke kills...well guess what, prolly I am a little bitter right now, because I sacrifice time with my son for almost two years so that some dumb people can have the right that was just given to them to fringe upon my right to fuckin smoke in a bar.....
I pulled a Nan last night, and took face shots of me before and after I got dressed to go out, and my face is beautiful....so prolly I will upload them, if I can ever find the plug that goes to my docking station for my camera. Well, actually I have to say that I prolly actually looked really good, but I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder....
So, my life on the outside looks like it is settleing down, but prolly my head is like Nan's - all jumbled with shit....
So, prolly, I have been looking back at the past six years of my life, and thinking that I have had some really great things and people in my life, and because of some fucked up thought process in my head, I threw away things that weren't a sure thing, and went for something that I knew I didn't really want, but seemed like a sure thing at the time....and look at what it has done to me, and the fact that I just went with it is fucking stupid. Everyone that knows me, knows that I don't put up with shit, that I don't conform so easily....and that I never do what everyone else thinks I should....well somewhere inbetween marriage, a baby, Iraq, and now an in-process divorce I have discovered that I lost that within me....and I am struggling to find it.
But have no fear.....I am working it out as always...I am a coping, surviving person that will come out on top, better than before....so Sebastine this past week, became openly aware that dad doesn't stay with mom, and at the same time discovered he was two. My sister-in-law and I had this three hour conversation on the phone the other night, and informed me that I had more coping skills than anyone she has ever met, and she is not worried about me at all, because everything that life has presented to me, I have overcome and done well for myself....and she is 110% sure that SB is going to come out of this stronger than before....because he is like me. With that being said, everyone has asked me if I thought Iraq was to blame for the mind-set change and decisions Silas has now made....so I have comptiplated this for a while now, and in the beginning I would have said yes completely, but now I am not so sure....I think that it probably had a little do with opening up the door to it, but in the end, it was a decision made purely because, he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, and ulitmately he wants more and he wants it all...and he wants more than one piece of ass in his life....so even if he is just fucked up.... he made this descision soundly....without the influence of Iraq.... so as soon as I meet some cool new people, that I can hang out with....the better, and if I happen to meet up with people from the past, that makes me happy....so prolly I am gonna go...but just know that SB and I will come out on top of this, even if I fall apart a little along the way.