ok, ok, ok....I am sitting here on this beautiful Sunday morning, eating steak & eggs that yes, I cooked, hungover like an asshole....and I know I keep tellin everyone I will post a whole new blog, to kinda give an update on how crazy everything has been, so here it is. The day after I posted the last blog, was Valentine's Day, and the day Silas was supposed to come and get his truck in Dallas. Well I will never forget this years Valentine's Day, because it was the day that we locked in rate for our house, then pulled out on the house, and then that was also the day....that my marriage was completely broken.
So, on my drive from Dallas to Silas's parents house, which was about 9.5 hours, I was on the phone with everyone, not to mention our realtor who was sad because we were pulling out and giving me the great news, that because we pulled out so closed to our closing date, the lady was going to "seek legal action" and sue us....so needless to say, on the drive back, I felt kinda disconnected.....it was fucking stupid....well I wasn't sure what I was going to do so the next day, I called my sister, and I was like I am coming home....well in the end, I went to work on that next Monday, with the full intention of giving them my two week notice. Prolly it didn't work out like I planned, and now I have this two bedroom/two bathroom apartment like 10 minutes from downtown Kansas City....Sebastine is in a daycare that he hates, and I am trying to put back together what is left of me. I have had fun at least spending ever dime that we have been making from the military, making my apartment really cool....but prolly I need more than that.
In my struggle to re-build myself and stablize SB, I just wanna establish myself, so that I can have a life....cause lets face it...prolly I am a little relieved about this situation....and so it isn't stressing my out like it did in Iraq, so prolly I don't have the weight loss thing going on....which means that while I may have the greatest personalitiy, I am still not back down to my pre-baby size....which is just fucking stupid. So, I went out last night with Sirus and some of his friends-and for those of you who doesn't know, Sirus is my brother-in-law....ok so we go out, and I get smashed....but it didn't hit me until like 30 minutes after we got back. I made Silas bring me to my house....so I was sick of course...but I took it like a champ. So, now I am sitting here just thinking about what a mess my life has become....
We were in a bar last night, and they wouldn't give out ash trays so people could smoke, and I was thinking how fucking stupid this country is....we have American Soldiers laying their lives down, so that stupid fuckin hodgies...can blow up people with chlorine bomb trucks, and I can't even smoke in a bar.... because second hand smoke kills...well guess what, prolly I am a little bitter right now, because I sacrifice time with my son for almost two years so that some dumb people can have the right that was just given to them to fringe upon my right to fuckin smoke in a bar.....
I pulled a Nan last night, and took face shots of me before and after I got dressed to go out, and my face is beautiful....so prolly I will upload them, if I can ever find the plug that goes to my docking station for my camera. Well, actually I have to say that I prolly actually looked really good, but I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder....
So, my life on the outside looks like it is settleing down, but prolly my head is like Nan's - all jumbled with shit....
So, prolly, I have been looking back at the past six years of my life, and thinking that I have had some really great things and people in my life, and because of some fucked up thought process in my head, I threw away things that weren't a sure thing, and went for something that I knew I didn't really want, but seemed like a sure thing at the time....and look at what it has done to me, and the fact that I just went with it is fucking stupid. Everyone that knows me, knows that I don't put up with shit, that I don't conform so easily....and that I never do what everyone else thinks I should....well somewhere inbetween marriage, a baby, Iraq, and now an in-process divorce I have discovered that I lost that within me....and I am struggling to find it.
But have no fear.....I am working it out as always...I am a coping, surviving person that will come out on top, better than before....so Sebastine this past week, became openly aware that dad doesn't stay with mom, and at the same time discovered he was two. My sister-in-law and I had this three hour conversation on the phone the other night, and informed me that I had more coping skills than anyone she has ever met, and she is not worried about me at all, because everything that life has presented to me, I have overcome and done well for myself....and she is 110% sure that SB is going to come out of this stronger than before....because he is like me. With that being said, everyone has asked me if I thought Iraq was to blame for the mind-set change and decisions Silas has now made....so I have comptiplated this for a while now, and in the beginning I would have said yes completely, but now I am not so sure....I think that it probably had a little do with opening up the door to it, but in the end, it was a decision made purely because, he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, and ulitmately he wants more and he wants it all...and he wants more than one piece of ass in his life....so even if he is just fucked up.... he made this descision soundly....without the influence of Iraq.... so as soon as I meet some cool new people, that I can hang out with....the better, and if I happen to meet up with people from the past, that makes me happy....so prolly I am gonna go...but just know that SB and I will come out on top of this, even if I fall apart a little along the way.
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